Week 8 Pigskin Pick 'em/Eliminator preview By AJ Mass Week 7 wasn't too bad, though it could have been much better. I mean, nine wins straight up is nothing to sneeze at, and while the six wins against the spread could easily have been just as good if not for a half-point loss with the Bucs, the Texans falling 1½ points shy of covering and Brett Favre being unable to find the end zone in numerous overtime possessions. Oh well, to paraphrase the Bard, "A loss by any other name still stinks to high heaven, and counts in the loss column just the same." Maybe the problem is we've just been too nice when making our picks. Sure, we're expressing our opinions of who will win and who will lose, but there's no real oomph behind it. So, to help me out, I've consulted the William Shakespeare Insult Generator to help me find just the right words to let the teams I'm hating on know the full extent of my disdain in Week 8. Art thou ready? Then anon and forsooth, here we go:
Tale of the Tape Sunday, October 26 Tampa Bay at Dallas (-3½) "Thou rank beef-witted punk!" -- That's right, Brad Johnson, I'm talking to you! You think you can step up under center and make the young pop stars swoon and forget all about their dear Tony Romo? Well, it's not going to happen. The Bucs are going to run all over Dallas and show you exactly what it means to have boots made for walking, my friend. Prediction: Bucs by 3 Washington at Detroit (+7½) "Thou degenerate earth-vexing canker-blossom!" -- You heard me, Dan Orlovsky! What, you think I'm going to take pity on you because your defense can't stop the run, or the pass for that matter? No way, sir. You can't even keep track of your own two feet to stay inbounds when strolling around the back of the end zone. No way I'm siding with you, good sir. Prediction: Redskins by 14 Buffalo at Miami (+1½) "Thou withered knotty-pated miscreant!" -- Consider yourself served, Chad Pennington! You think you can just sit back there in the pocket and wait all day until Greg Camarillo gets open? Well you won't have that kind of time against the Buffalo defense, so think again, mon frère! Prediction: Bills by 4 St. Louis at New England (-7½) "Thou adulterate weather-bitten writhled shrimp!" -- You think you're so special, Mr. Haslett? You take over a team in turmoil and suddenly everything is all sunshine and roses? Well, this Patriots team may not be the unbeaten warriors of last season, but they're on to you, good sir. Three in a row ain't happening! Prediction: Patriots by 12 New Orleans vs. San Diego in England (-3½) "Thou gleeking shag-haired gudgeon!" -- I may not know what a gudgeon is, or what gleeking means, but I know you can't win a game of football by yourself, Drew Brees. Without your dear Reggie Bush, and a barely-able-to-stand Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston still worried about that aching hand … this one across the pond will be a dreary affair for thee. Prediction: Chargers by 2 Kansas City at Jets (-12½) "Thou base boil-brained odiferous stench!" -- Yes, we all know "thou playeth to winneth the game," dear Herm. But how does one expect to do so when you go through quarterbacks three at a time? Seriously … is Tyler Thigpen the answer? Not by a country mile. Prediction: Jets by 19 Atlanta at Philadelphia (-8½) "Thou poisonous common-kissing scullion!" -- Michael Turner, you're on notice! You need to step it up so that the onus isn't on your young quarterback. Matt Ryan may have thrown for 300 yards the most recent time out, but that's not going to happen against Philadelphia. So what have you got, Turner? I didn't think so. Prediction: Eagles by 7 Oakland at Baltimore (-6½) "Thou spongy tallow-faced serpents-egg!" -- Oh, yes, Al Davis, you are so impressive. Flexing that itchy trigger-finger on the gun pointed at your head coach's head. Very nice. You even won a game last week and needed only about 70 minutes to do so. Let's see how proud you are after a trip to the Ravens' nest. Prediction: Ravens by 12 Arizona at Carolina (-4½) "Thou thorny hedge-born devil incarnate!" -- Paging Kurt Warner … this is retirement calling. Yes, you say you were simply caught up in the intensity of the moment when you said you were thinking of hanging it up after Anquan Boldin got hurt a few weeks back. Let's see how you feel after the Panthers knock YOU seven ways from Sunday. Prediction: Panthers by 3 Cleveland at Jacksonville (-6½) "Thou slanderous pottle-deep giglet!" -- Romeo, O Romeo … whither art Kellen, Romeo? You honestly think your team is good enough to go on the road and take on NFL teams without your best players? Please! I think we all know how this tragedy ends. Prediction: Jaguars by 5 Cincinnati at Houston (-9½) "Thou wayward elf-skinned whey-face!" -- Is there a Chad Johnson in the house? A Chad Ocho Cinco? Anybody here who can catch a pass once in a while, perhaps? No? We didn't think so. Prediction: Texans by 8 Giants at Pittsburgh (-2½) "Thou beslubbering empty-headed promise-breaker!" -- Excuse me, Willie Parker, but if you can't be counted on to walk to work without reinjuring yourself, how can we expect you to carry the ball effectively against the Giants? Oh, that's right. We can't. Thanks for nothing, Willie. Now we have to watch Plaxico Burress gloat. Prediction: Giants by 1 Seattle at San Francisco (-4½) "Thou obscene unmuzzled mumble-news!" -- Hey, you … Yes, you. The wide receiver guy. No not you … The other one. I'm sorry, I don't know any of your names because none of you can catch anything of note with Seneca Wallace under center. It's not even worth wasting my breath. Prediction: 49ers by 7 Monday, October 27 Indianapolis at Tennessee (-4½) "Thou tottering boil-brained bag of guts!" -- This is a shout-out to Peyton Manning. Can you please stop playing so poorly? I mean it. At first it was understandable due to the surgery, but now it's, like, embarrassing. Seriously. Do you enjoy watching Eli get better stats every week? Prediction: Titans by 17
Eliminator
Now I feel better. The ESPN Eliminator requires that you make one and only one pick each week. You win and you live to pick again. You lose and it's all over. In Week 7, we gave you several options to choose from, and with the exception of our DEFCON 1 selection of the Jets (who did take the game to overtime) we were spot-on. We scored 14 out of a possible 15 points, and have raised our season tally to 72 percent. Now we're well into Week 8, and the pickings are beginning to get a bit slim for our top choice. We can't select the Bucs against the Romo-less Cowboys or the Redskins against the sad-sack Lions. We do think the Titans should escape Monday night's home game victorious, but we can't choose them, either. So let's go from the reverse angle here. If we can't feel confident in picking a team to win, how about we go with a team we're really sure is going to lose? Those Chiefs went through three different quarterbacks last week, losing both Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard for the season, and once again will be without the services of Larry Johnson. Now they go on the road to face the Jets, who aren't in the best of moods after last week's disappointment. That all adds up to a pick of the J-E-T-S! Here's the full selection rundown:
DEFCON 5: Jets Good luck to all of you, and remember, if thou doth not like mine very picks, then zounds! I consider thee to be a muchly mailgnable loggerheaded puke-stockinged filthy rogue. Yea, verily! AJ Mass is a fantasy football, baseball and college basketball analyst for ESPN.com. You can e-mail him here. |
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